Ekphrasis

While all other birds procreate rather unimpressively by bumping together their cloacas (the common opening for urine and feces found in fish, amphibians, reptiles, and birds), ducks copulate with actual penises, but not with just any penis: the male drake possesses a long, corkscrew-shaped penis that is nearly half its body length (see this video for illustration). Even more shocking, the male drakes routinely attempt to rape the female ducks, who have developed methods of contorting their vaginas to prevent unwanted fertilization of their eggs by undesirable suitors.

When Phil Robertson of the successful A&E show Duck Dynasty gave an eye-opening interview for the magazine GQ in late 2013—in which he discussed the vagina as the only logical insertion aperture for a man’s erect penis, then went on to imply that black Americans in the south happily sang their way through the era of Jim Crow laws—he never let the interviewer in on his own guilty pleasure. Here the artist presents a rendering of Robertson in his clear-cut, black-and-white universe, in which the pleasures of a drake’s corkscrew penis provide the bigoted reality TV star with symphonies of prostate pleasure via his own anus, something he curiously never discussed during the interview. An affecting portrait of the American dream come true, this painting would be a lovely addition to your local redneck bar, and would as well benefit from large-scale reproduction on a billboard near the A&E network’s corporate office.